The Rose [Updated 2/21/2023]
Erik
entered the main floor lobby and asked for directions. The attendant told him, “Off
to the right.”
Erik
took a few steps and saw it in bright silver letters: Cancer Center. He
stopped dead in his tracks. "I have cancer." The thought passed through his
mind again, "I have cancer.” As tears formed in his eyes, and a lump formed in
his throat, he took a deep breath, collected himself, and opened the door to his new world.
Time would tell a different story. A few years later, visit after visit, Erik passed these doors, each time he dreaded the sight of those letters, staring back at him, laughing at him, overpowering him. Erik held no cards; he was losing this game of chance, but he was fighting - an uphill battle.
He told himself today would be different. Erik was sticking to his new diet, eating healthy, walking the dog daily, and trying to stay fit—all in an attempt to keep the cancer at bay. Fighting for one more day, for one chance at a normal life.
It
didn't matter. The treatments didn't seem to be working anyway. After years, the lymphocytes remained increasing with every blood draw; the
platelets were down again. Things were simply getting worse. He felt depressed, but oddly there was some hope left in him, a glimmer, a spark. A yearning that kept him going, a yearning from across distance and time.
He was alone again at this appointment as he had been at many of his appointments. His fiancée, Michelle, an attorney, was in court today. She couldn't make it again. This was typical for her. Erik knew it and accepted it, but he still felt the emptiness and coldness of the aloneness again. Alone with only the cancer to keep him company. This damn cancer. The cancer was there to mock him. But along side the cancer, standing up to the cancer was something more. Something that cancer couldn't break.
Erik took a breath and steeled his nerve. Before he could open the door, he felt a buzz in his pocket. He reached in and grabbed his phone. There it was like clockwork, a text message from his old friend, Rose. “Good Luck Today.” (Hugging meme). "I'm hoping for good things today for you."
Across the miles and time, she remembered. She always remembered.
He felt a warmth in his heart and confidence that gave him the strength to face one more visit.
But this time, Erik felt something again, something he hadn't felt in some time. A warmth, deep in his soul, an awakening of sorts. A yearning for the simple times of life, when life was easy, no doctors, no hospitals, no treatments, just simple, easy life - carefree and fun.
He remembered back to a certain time, a fond memory from his past—something he hadn't thought about for years; today, the memory came back to him. It came back hard and fast. His body tingled, and his heart raced. The hairs on the back of his neck came alive.
Suddenly,
he was back in high school, sitting on the docks of a lake near their small village. It was sometime in June. He couldn't remember the exact date—maybe the 21st. The sun was hot earlier that day. As it made it's slow journey across the sky, the sun beat down on the land, but now as it set, there was a
beautiful shade of colors in the sky. He wasn't alone.
Next
to him sat his friend, a friend since they were kids; their fathers had been
fishermen and kept their boats at these docks. Today, however, the docks were
quiet. They sat alone on these old wooden docks, watching the sunset skipping stones across the lake's surface. Watching the circles form and grow as each rock fell beneath the surface.
Heat
still hung in the air as the sun set.
The
sky was turning colors now, so many colors - a brilliant display of reds, oranges, pinks, yellows, and
rose. That was her name—Rose. Back then, they were inseparable. They all took
the same classes, played in the high school band, and even performed in a play
together. They went everywhere and did everything together.
Erik liked her, really liked her, but he couldn't find a way to tell her. He wanted to tell her; he wanted to reveal what was in his heart, how he felt about her. Even if it meant rejection. He could handle that. he was prepared for that. Erik wanted to share this news, this important part of his life with her. He hoped, wished, prayed she felt the same way about him.
The time
was never right to say what he felt in his heart. He tried a few times, but she
never quite seemed that interested in him "that way." After all, maybe it was better that
they should be just friends. Why spoil a good thing, right? Then he wouldn't have to be embarrassed in front of her and lose her friendship. At least they could remain friends?
"Yes," he thought. This is the right decision. He wasn't convinced.
It
was their senior year, after all. Erik didn't know what he was going to do next year. Rose was
off to college in the fall. Erik was just sort of lost. Today they just sat on the dock, talking about
their future. In this moment, they were just watching the sunset, the colors flooding the sky while the deep purples began to creep into the space over their heads.
Then
it happened.
Just
as the first stars were popping out of the new purple darkness, she turned to him. She had a twinkle in
her eye. She looked at him, he took her hand. For a moment, time stopped.
School didn't matter; next year didn't matter; nothing mattered. Just this
moment mattered - this perfect moment. Just being here with Rose was all Erik wanted. He moved in
close. Holding her hand in his and caressing her face with his other, they
shared their first kiss.
A shooting star flashed across the horizon.
This
was the moment he had been waiting for all summer. Was this real? Was this
happening? He kissed her again. They shared a hug, a deep embrace that told the
universe that these two souls were connected from beyond time. He didn't want to let go; it felt good; it felt like home.
Erik
knew it felt right, but it was summer. Rose would be going off to college soon. She would start her new life a million miles away. What could he do? What were his options? How did she really feel? He was confused. He wanted to speak. He wanted to tell her how he truly felt, how he felt about her, this moment, the future, their future.
Erik
tried to form the words in his mouth. He gasped for breath and stumbled, “I…, I…”
and then stopped. He was crushed.
The
moon started to peek from behind a cloud.
A
nightingale sang her song.
The moment was lost, lost to eternity - never to be recaptured. A precious moment wisped away in the summer breeze.
Erik came back from his memory, full of strength and joy. A smile on his face. Not shaken but energized, he grabbed the door handle, opened the door, and went in. He thought of Rose. He missed seeing her; she was so far away now, but the thought of her gave him hope.
Michelle
was busy with her duties as an assistant district attorney. Her law career was
taking off. She was trying cases on her own now and winning. She was making a new path for
herself in the legal crowd downtown. Always ready for happy hour, Michelle was
glad to spend a few more hours downtown when she could—even if that meant
leaving Erik alone for a few more hours than he wanted.
Erik loved her, but the love was starting to wane like autumn flowers. Maybe it was his cancer, maybe her career, maybe it was simply time. Maybe it was the thousand other reasons that people fall out of love.
Erik was having doubts now. He didn't want to be a burden to her. He
didn't want to marry her and then have his cancer get in the way. He wanted to
be healthy before they wed. He wanted to "perfect."; like when they met. Alive with spirit and energy, daring and ready to take on the world!
But time and cancer had changed that, at least for him, maybe both of them? Erik wasn't sure. He felt a growing distance between them, subtle at first, then they would come together around good news, then fall away when times would turn sour. That was the pattern they set up for their relationship.
Erik
was impatient, waiting again for the doctor to enter the little room. It
seems that the doctor was always running late. "But I guess that's the way it always is
here.", he thought.
"I
hate these little rooms," Erik said to no one.
"Why
can't there be a window? At least then, I could see the trees and think of
something else."
It
was another five minutes before the doctor entered.
"I have your latest results, Erik. Why don't you sit down? Your white count is up, your lymphocyte count is way up, and your platelets are down again and keep falling."
"You're condition is worsening, Erik. You're body is just not responding to the treatments.", explain his oncologist.
Erik left the appointment sullen. His body was tired, and his bones ached from the cancer inside of him, and he was failing mentally, too. He returned home and sat on the couch. Sammy, his faithful dog, leapt to his lap and licked his face. A gentle sign that Erik was loved.
Erik's mental state was wearing thin. He'd been dealing with the cancer, the treatments, and the disappointment for years now. Depression had set in, and so had his drinking. Now, things were different. Now he had a reason to drink! His body was wasting away, so why shouldn't he help it along?
Michelle hated his drinking. For her, it was just another excuse for Erik to hide behind his cancer. Just another reason to feel sorry for himself. She grew cold when he drank and withheld her love from him. Erik could feel it, he knew what she was doing, and he didn't care.
"To hell with it," Erik thought as he downed another glass of whiskey.
Every once in a while, Erik thought of Rose. He'd text her from time to time when he was sad, hoping to catch her and share a memory or hear something new in her life. He was lonely despite his relationship with Michelle.
Rose would text him each time he went to the cancer center. She never forgot. Sometimes a message, sometimes a simple emoji. It didn't matter which; it always lifted Erik, at least for the moment. He felt a tenderness in his heart and a regret.
He was saddened that he never told Rose how he truly felt. Upset with himself that he couldn't say what he wanted to say in that moment on the docks that night. Haunted by the memory of his failure to make the real connection he wanted to make with Rose. That deep and lasting relationship that two people can share for a lifetime.
Rose
and Erik shared stories about their lives, and they grew a little closer to
what they had when they were young. But it was different now; miles and time had separated them, and so did the cancer.
Erik
stood outside those silver doors once again. How many times has it been—five, ten, a
hundred? It didn't matter anymore. Those sinister silver letters on the wall
still pierced his heart every time he saw them.
“I'm tired," Erik pleaded with himself. “I'm so tired, and I hurt. Nothing is working, and I'm all out; I'm spent."
By this time, Erik had lost much of his body weight and had difficulty getting around. He knew that in a few months, he was destined to permanent hospitalization to wait for the inevitable ending.
"Oh Lord, why me?" he cried.
"When will this end?"
Depressed, Erik sat on the couch, watching the rain move slowly down the window pane; he finally made his decision.
"It's time," he told himself.
He was finally in charge. He went to the office in the back of the apartment, opened the drawer and grabbed a bottle of whiskey, and got his Bluetooth speaker, which he paired to his phone, and grabbed one more thing; something sinister and dark. It had an evil presence about it.
Erik returned to the living room; the rain had increased, and steams of rain coursed their way down the windows. Erik pushed "play" on his phone on a song he a chosen from an old playlist, a love song from his favorite band (he was always partial to love songs) began to play.
He trembled a bit. Tears formed on the edges of his eyes. A lump grew in this throat.
Doubt.
In a small paper bag was his sinister friend, waiting for its destiny. It was something he needed, something that he could count on, something that wouldn't let him down. He opened the paper bag and set the baggie on the table next to the whiskey. He took a swig of whiskey that burned as it went down. The burning gave him a strong sense of being alive. He thought of everyone. He thought of Michelle. He thought of Rose one last time; he tenderly remembered that summer night, the colors in the sky, the stars, their first kiss.
As tears welled in his eyes, he wept the silent weeping of loss and regret, the tears of a broken heart. Besides, he knew she didn't feel that way about him anyway.
He truly missed her, but today was different; today, Erik had a purpose.
With confidence, fear, and regret, he opened the baggie. In one swift move, he grabbed the pills in his hand. With another drink of whiskey, without pause, he swallowed.
He laid down on the couch and listened to the rain on the window pane; he listened to his favorite song; he took his favorite
blanket from the back of the couch, wrapped it around himself, pulled it close, and with a partial smile across his lips, he closed
his eyes. Tears rolled down his face.
Erik was finally at peace.
Then his phone buzzed—a text from Rose.
"I love you," it said. "I really love you. I always have. I finally have the
courage to tell you. Be safe." - heart emoji.
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